It has been another long, rough day here at work. I am going to break open a new bottle of Jack Daniels that I bought last week and drink until I pass out! Chance of going to work tomorrow - 5%!
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I Need This!
It has been another long, rough day here at work. I am going to break open a new bottle of Jack Daniels that I bought last week and drink until I pass out! Chance of going to work tomorrow - 5%!"Bring _____ to Work Day"
My Proposal - Let's scrap this whole "Bring your Kids to Work" Day. I have some other options that I think would be wiser and increase productivity at the same time.
"Bring a Bottle To Work Day" - Don't know why, but a lot of people do their best work when they are liquored up. Some of the greatest country songs ever written were the product of drinking while writing. What about comedians? Many of them are funnier after they have had a few. Lawyers - Maybe it would loosen them up and give them a sense of humor. This would work especially well for government employees -- They don't do crap while they are sober, so maybe they would actually be productive while drunk. Just a thought.
"Bring Your Dog To Work Day" - Dogs could actually make your day more productive. For a start he/she can shred documents pretty well. Granted, not usually the ones you had in mind, and sure you still had a couple years wear left in those shoes, but hey. A dog can also finish any lunch scraps you didn't eat and chomp enthusiastically on the cajones of your boss when he's being a giant pain in the Butt. What's not to like?
"Bring An Attitude To Work Day" - I have been told I do this often anyway, so why not make it official. (Actually, I never have an attitude - The ones who tell me that are just jealous because I have found the perfect medium between life and work.) A whole day where you are not only permitted, but expected to be an ass. "Expense reports you say? Why don't you shove those right up your poop chute and maybe they'll come out the other end making sense."
"Bring a Devious Friend To Work Day" - I can think of no more fun way to spend a day at work than with someone who will be a bad influence. Find the most annoying friend you have and bring him in. You could play poker (or Canasta if you're over 60 and still devious), throw darts, take a few shots, use the intercom for practical jokes, alter the company website and burp at callers. I think a full-fledged party
would break out, thus minimizing stress at the workplace.
Obviously, most of these would not work at school since there are kids present - So Teachers, forget you ever read this list. Concentrate and forget...Forgotten? Good!
Any other ideas?
Make your Workplace Easier and More Enjoyable
Don’t discuss business at drinks until you’re having a good time.
Respond to emails as quickly as possible.
The word people love to hear the most is their name.
If you can’t figure something out, Google it before asking it.
Drawing attention to someone else’s shortcomings in no way improves your own value.
Get over yourself and get a ‘business card.’ Give it to people who make a good impression on you.
Follow up over email, the same day or next day. If they don’t respond, follow up one more time, a few days later. If there’s no response after a week or so, assume there’s no current opportunity for you two to work together.
Respond to emails ‘after work.’
Not helping with a project is better than making it known that you don’t want to help with a project but are doing it because you ‘have to.’
Don’t do your job halfway — that forces someone else to do the rest of it.
If you’re not working as hard as those above you, at least work harder than those at your same level.
Always work harder than those below you.
Being not-greedy is easier than people thinking you are greedy.
Err on the side of giving credit (rather than taking or denying it).
Help others before you help yourself.
Don’t blame, don’t shame, don’t get defensive.
Be honest with yourself about who has more leverage.
Create more value than you’re being paid for.
Take care of information.
Understand the most rational motivations held by the people around you.
It’s easier to say sorry than it is to ask for permission.
Say yes more than you say no.
Don’t add work to anyone else’s plate.
Try not to think of your higher-up as a modern capitalist archetype. She has the experience of dealing with a different set of daily responsibilities. You cannot know this experience.
People who require constant motivation and guidance are not good hires.
The person with the most information wins.
Find opportunities that make you the conduit between a potential partner and your employer.
Hire people for their brains, not for their technical expertise.
Under promise, over-deliver.
Confront when necessary — if you manage people and are afraid of confrontation, you are not the best candidate for your position.
Be an expert at prioritizing opportunity.
“I’m not getting paid my market value” is in most cases a contradictory statement.
It’s much better to be wrong than it is to have not tried.
Be open to ideas that make you uncomfortable.
Always be open to 180 degree change.
Try to think of risk as an experiment.
Accept risk as a given.
Where do The Germs Hide at Your Workplace?
8. Door handle - 138
7. Vending machine - 151
6. Your Desk - 152
5. Your Phone - 164
4. Your Mouse - 165
3. Your Keyboard - 284
2. A microphone flag - 285
1. The Microwave - 315
There are 25,000 germs per square inch on the average phone. Have a great day.
What a Long Day
The time is now 11:00 and I just got home from work. Damn, what a long ass day! It was fairly uneventful exempt for these three events that happened today:
1) I ate some amazing chicken fried steak today. It was awesome. Perhaps the best I have had in awhile. Sad thing is, I am not sure where it was from. It was brought into work, still hot and fresh.
2) I drove through shitty Austin traffic to a meeting in Northwest Austin. It took 45 minutes to get there thanks to construction and an accident. On the way back from the meeting, I passed a couple who were wearing matching turquoise polo shirts. Funny thing is, they were probably both in their teens. How strange is that? I usually see old people wearing matching outfits, not youngsters. On a positive note, the girl was wearing some skimpy cut-off jean shorts. :)
3) I walked into the office restroom at about 8:15 and I swear I heard somebody masturbating in one of the stalls. I heard the slapping of skin on penis and heard some moans. I know the guy was alone because I looked low and saw only two feet and heard only one voice moaning. I hurried, peed, washed my hands and left. Weird thing is, the guy didn't stop masturbating when I walked in and he was still going when I left. Personally, I have never masturbated at work. It is too much of a pain to do it. I would have to walk all the way across the building to the bathroom, think about sex-like things, keep my erection going while worrying about someone walking in, and then try not to shoot my load all over my work clothes. Way too much work.
At least I am home now. I need a Drink!!!
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