Learn to Drive People!

So I was driving in the middle lane of a three lane street today (as in three one way, three the other way). I was the only one around for like a block, both in front of and behind. This lady coming from a perpindicular street starts a right turn onto my street about 100 feet in front of me. Now I don't like when people turn onto my street when I'm that close... and this is why; I don't know if she didn't see me or thought I was going like 2 miles an hour because she got RIGHT INTO MY LANE!!!!!!!! There was no one on either side of me! She could have gotten into either of the other two lanes, but she chose MY lane. And you might think, so what? well SHE decides not to accelerate, at all. I had to slam on my brakes to not hit her. It's not like I was going that fast. So I go around her and give her the ugliest look ever, as in if I had my windows down, I might have thrown something at her, I was so angry. You might ask, "Did she know she did it?", well when I was passing her, she had on the most oblivious face, as if nothing just happened. So my point of this entry is that people suck at driving.

Read more »

Drunk

This one was also on MySpace years ago.  It is the companion post to yesterday's Hangover post.

What lucky, lucky little people you all are. You are all witnesses to my first ever drunk blog posting. For those of you who can't tell, this is me drunk. What? No, assholes. This ISN'T what I am always like. Drunk posting isn't good enough for you? Well - okay. I'll also share this little secret with you. I'm naked too. How's that for excitement? Drunk and naked and sitting at my computer.

I've been entertaining important people yesterday and today. For the most part this involves shit tons of drinking, listening to old, married men talk about picking up some "bitches," listening to 25 jokes that begin with, "did you hear about the jewish guy who. . . " and getting drunk under the table by 10, 60 year old men. (drunk under the table doesn't sound right. . . Is that right?)

All night tonight I thought of fantastic stories that I was going to tell. Now that I am home and drunk, I can't remember any of them. Oh, I remember one thing I was going to say. You know what happiness is? Sitting in a business meeting and seeing a conservative 28 year old business girl wearing a business girl suit stretch across a conference table to reveal a pink dental floss thong under her business girl suit. Nice. Very nice.

Well fuck me. Now I don't have anything else to say. Fuck it.

Why didn't I get that business girl's number today? I couldn't think of a good line at the end of the meeting. How many times do have to go out with someone before it is no longer okay to ask out a pink thong wearing business girl? Hmm. Maybe I was just kidding a few lines ago when I said something about asking that girl out. Yeah, that was a joke. Totally kidding about that.

You know what? I wish I could be drunk all of the time. Being drunk is fucking awesome. I don't know if you knew that or not. But it is. It rules, actually.

Okay, I sound stupid now so I'm hitting "publish post" and calling it a night.

Word to your collective mothers and such. (Jesus God, you would think being drunk would make me sound cooler and at least a little funnier).

Read more »

Just Got Off The Phone With My Mom...

...This was our conversation.

Seriously, everytime we talk on the phone, I end up listening as she goes on and on for about 5 minutes non-stop.  It has gotten to the point where my dad will take the phone from her if he is around just to give me a break!

Read more »

What a Long Day

The time is now 11:00 and I just got home from work. Damn, what a long ass day!  It was fairly uneventful exempt for these three events that happened today:

 1) I ate some amazing chicken fried steak today. It was awesome. Perhaps the best I have had in awhile.  Sad thing is, I am not sure where it was from.  It was brought into work, still hot and fresh. 

 2) I drove through shitty Austin traffic to a meeting in Northwest Austin.  It took 45 minutes to get there thanks to construction and an accident.  On the way back from the meeting, I passed a couple who were wearing matching turquoise polo shirts. Funny thing is, they were probably both in their teens.  How strange is that?  I usually see old people wearing matching outfits, not youngsters.  On a positive note, the girl was wearing some skimpy cut-off jean shorts.  :)

 3) I walked into the office restroom at about 8:15 and I swear I heard somebody masturbating in one of the stalls. I heard the slapping of skin on penis and heard some moans.  I know the guy was alone because I looked low and saw only two feet and heard only one voice moaning.  I hurried, peed, washed my hands and left. Weird thing is, the guy didn't stop masturbating when I walked in and he was still going when I left.  Personally, I have never masturbated at work.  It is too much of a pain to do it.  I would have to walk all the way across the building to the bathroom, think about sex-like things, keep my erection going while worrying about someone walking in, and then try not to shoot my load all over my work clothes. Way too much work.

At least I am home now.  I need a Drink!!!

Read more »

Damn, It's Cold!

This morning I agreed to go on a run with my neighbor.  We are both trying to get into shape and I definitely need the exercise.  We decided to run around the biking trails of West Des Moines.

After only about a mile of running, I was wanting to turn back.  Although my hangover was subsiding, I was freezing my dick off!  Literally!!!  I don't mean to be rude or use a play on words, but my dick was really freezing. I started thinking about how I have spent my whole life trying to get my dick into warm (and usually wet) places and now I am out running on a Saturday morning and my dick may render itself useless for the rest of my life due to frostbite!  What if they have to remove it!!!!  OMG!!!

Now for you warm climate dudes and women reading this, let me explain what happens when that part of the male anatomy gets really, really, really cold.  Of course it shrivels up and your balls retract into your body, seeking warmth.  That alone can be uncomfortable.  You also loose your concentration.  You cannot concentrate on anything other than trying to figure out a way to get your genitals warmed up.  It becomes an obsession.  A guy does not want to go to the hospital emergency room looking for treatment of hypothermia of the penis.  That would be a little embarrassing.

I thought I was ready for this.  I had some nice running tights that I thought were warm.  I had psyched myself up before going out.  I knew it was going to be cold, but I thought the power of the mind and thoughts of a Caribbean Beach would fight off the cold.  And besides, I was going to be running and burning calories; creating heat! 

To make a long story short, we jogged almost three miles and we all survived (me, my balls and my dick!)  No hypothermia, no frostbite - It was a miracle!

And I learned a valuable lesson: Do Not go Jogging when it is under 40 degrees outside!  I am sorry penis, I will never subject you to that again!

Read more »