My Thoughts on Groundhog Day

Call me a pessimist or a cynic if you must, but the idea that a big rodent  can predict weather for a whole year is a little far fetched don't you think?  Isn't asking a little too much of a furry rodent who is so fat that it can hardly stand upright on its hind legs.  And remember, the thing is coming out of its winter slumber, so he hasn't even fully awoke yet.

And who the Hell decided that if a groundhog does or does not see a shadow is a form of meteorology?  Do meteorologist have to take a special class about "Animal Behavior and Weather Predicting?"

I have a much better idea for Groundhogs. If these critters are so smart that they can predict the weather, why don't we put their little brains and fat bodies to even better use.  They could be like smaller versions of drug dogs, only they spy and not sniff.  BRILLIANT!!!

Just hear me out - the police could recruit them to carry little, tiny keyhole cameras implanted in their foreheads, so they could scurry around, recording drug dealers and prostitutes in the parks of big and small cities.   There are some parks in cities where you cannot walk more than 100 feet without a drug dealer approaching you and offering up some drug that sounds an 80's rap-song title.

So let's put the revered Groundhog to work for the common good of the people.  Who cares about the weather.  With Global warming, in a few years the groundhog will always be saying that winter is over since we will not have winter anymore.

Long live the Groundhog!!!

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The H-Bomb and Dating

I remember a girl I was dating right after I graduated from college.  She was a girl who was a singer in a country band and she was a hottie.  She was also a wild one in bed.  Man she did some crazy stuff!

We weren't too serious.  We both were in it for fun, partying and sex.  I don't think either one of us wanted to settle down so it was nice to find someone who was on the same page as I was.  

One night she said that there was something I should know, and my heart dropped because I figured she was going to drop the H-Bomb (H Bomb: When someone you are sleeping with tells you they have the herpes.) on me. I felt my heart sink and a knot in my stomach.  I braced myself and told her to tell me what was on her mind.  What I heard next was a mixed bag of feelings.  Elations followed by concern.  She just thought I should know that not too long ago she was addicted to pain pills and she thought she was an alcoholic. My first thought was "Thank God! I am disease free!".  My next thought was "That's it?  Isn't that what singers are supposed to do? Drugs and alcohol.  No biggie." 

I asked her if there was anything I could do to help.  She said "No, it is ok."  Then we had sex.  We messed around for about 3 more months.  I never saw her pop any pills, but I saw her drink a ton. Honestly, it didn't bother me.  I drank too and her drinking and pill-popping never was a problem, at least not when she was around me.  We parted our separate ways when her band went to Nashville to try and make it big.  They never did and I never saw her again.  

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